Ok, so 2008 won’t go down as one of the best years in recent memory. We’ve had a financial collapse of historic proportions, a housing meltdown, a credit crunch, a $50 billion investment scam, a failing U.S. auto industry, dramatic oil and food price shocks, deadly terror in India, continued mayhem in Iraq and Afghanistan, genocide in Africa, voter turnout scandals, Sarah Palin and Rod Blagojevich, and to cap it off, a re-emergence of violence in one of the most intractable conflicts of all-time (Congrats, Israelis and Palestinians, for once again proving how stupidity and inhumanity know no borders!)
But the year wasn’t all bad. And I’m not just talking about Barack Obama, either. In addition to the president-elect, some of My Many Favorite Things this year that I haven’t yet mentioned in my MOFT columns include Marshmallow Fluff, Rock Band, the Opening Ceremony of the Summer Olympics, Amazon.com, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Bob, Noa, The Week magazine, brown rice, The NY Times Magazine Crossword Puzzle, Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Pizzas, and of course, dagblog.com.
But My One Favorite Thing of the Year towered above the rest. The MOFT Of The Year is actually something that I’ve been enjoying for the past several years, but I just feel now that I have this platform, I owe it to this particular thing to give it the publicity, honor and respect it so richly deserves.
I’m talking, of course, about Cottonelle’s Fresh Flushable Moist Wipes, which is basically a long-winded way of saying wet toilet paper. Now before you scoff, let me tell you a story (and demonstrate exactly what I mean when I say the Deadman has no shame).
One of my most horrific memories growing up involves me riding in a car as my mom rushed my dad to the hospital. I remember watching my dad, who whom I have always thought of as having a considerable pain tolerance, writhing and moaning in the back seat with what was apparently an awful, unbearable case of hemorrhoids.
My dad, after undergoing an emergency surgery to remove the hemorrhoids, ended up putting those problems, ahem, ‘behind’ him, but that scene was foremost in my mind when in college I started experiencing some significant derriere discomfort. There were days when sitting down was difficult and the prospect of going to the bathroom filled me with dread.
The pain would come and go, but I always worried that one day it’d be my butt on its way to the hospital. So I learned all I could about avoiding hemorrhoids and reducing their prevalence – eat more fiber, don’t strain, get off the pot as quickly as possible. But I quickly found out (on a tip from Howard Stern, I believe) that wiping your tush with water and keeping it thoroughly clean was far and away the best thing you could do.
However, moistening toilet paper with water can get a little messy and isn’t usually practical in a public restroom. And for reasons I will never fully understand, the bidet – quite possibly France’s greatest contribution to society – hasn’t yet been accepted in America (though Google has installed them in their Mountain View, Calif. headquarters).
Thankfully, Kimberly-Clark and Cottonelle came to the rescue by introducing their pre-moistened wipes in the U.S. in 2001. Other companies have since come out with their own wipes, and I’ve tried them all, but I feel Cottonelle’s are the best: They’re strong, stay moist the longest, and are removed in an easy ‘pop-up’ style (and also come in convenient refill and travel pack sizes.)
I love these things. They’re fucking magical. I barely ever use regular, dry toilet paper anymore, and my butt pain is basically a thing of the past. My girlfriend makes fun of me because I am always buying or ordering more boxes of these wipes, but I don’t want to run out, especially now that this year I’ve found out they aren’t just for wiping your ass. They’re great for after-sex cleanup, and removing small spills, and for quick, in-between-groomer dog baths, and I’m betting they have many more uses that I just haven’t discovered yet (perhaps somewhere hidden in all that Aloe-and-Vitamin E moistened goodness is the solution to the Middle East conflict?).
So congratulations to Cottonelle for winning the prestigious MOFT of the Year award, and I now eagerly await your snide and mocking comments (please include at least one badass pun somewhere within your comment; bonus points for two or more well-situated, cheeky double entendres)